i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Randomize
