sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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