i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We need a shit load of segways right now
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
