he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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