Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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