Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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