I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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