I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
