A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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