So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
