Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
