I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
nutella sex= disaster
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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