Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
