sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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