You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
