Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
