you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
