she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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