this just has baby written all over it
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
