At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Green mimosas i think yes
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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