Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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