what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
