I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
