If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
