i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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