I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
