yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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