If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
