The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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