yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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