i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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