All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
