if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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