you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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