His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
