All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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