he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I woke up under a house in Key West
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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