hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
