i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
