We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
