Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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