Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
