At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
