so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
