No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
