your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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