I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
