On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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