I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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