did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
